Site news.... and processing serious mixed feelings

First of all, the open call for blog authors is still in effect. I've invited our first author besides me, also an INFP, and I'm eager to read what she writes -- in particular, to learn about career issues in her part of the world, and how they're different from here in the US. So that's what's coming up soon.

Meanwhile, if you'd like to write here, just post a comment and I'll set you up.

Now to those mixed feelings. I'm still very excited about the degree of autonomy that my day job is offering me, enough to feel night-and-day much happier than I was a couple of months ago. I even moved!

But I still have a consciousness that coding all day just isn't my calling. It's a lot more manageable because I'm only doing it 30 hours a week and I can take more frequent breaks or arrange my day how I wish. But it's still like... well, I'm not sure how to describe it. I can make myself focus for certain periods of time (maybe 2-4 hours, tops) and solve a technical problem that needs to be solved, but it requires a Herculean effort to stay on task. It's satisfying when I grind it out, but only in the sense that running several miles might feel satisfying when you're done with it.

I'm also getting a little antsy wrapping up a task, because I feel like my boss really doesn't even know what I'm doing in the day-to-day. He wants to see daily deliverables, which would be fine, except I'm not sure he really understands when the task calls for some sort of research and troubleshooting that doesn't show up on a nice neat Web page. To be honest I'm not really sure how much he understands about technical management.

I dunno, I still think I'm in the wrong career. Fortunately all that work done to choose a new one isn't for naught, as I'll be able to start putting together grad school apps around August-September.

The poker's going quite well, incidentally. I'm playing about 15-20 hours a week and winning at a rate that would be pretty good for a temp job. I'm not yet ready to take the plunge into playing full-time because I like having insurance paid for, I like not worrying that a week or two of downswing will sap my motivation to play, and I like knowing that I have some experience to put on the resume. But if something were to happen to my day job, or if I wanted to leave to take a contract job here where I'm living, it would be nice to have my poker bankroll pretty stable and being built up week by week.

Career counseling VII: It's time

I had my seventh career counseling session yesterday, and this one went 45 minutes. I had several successful informational interviews to report on, but by my request we also spent some time talking about my plans to transition out of my day job. At this point I'm emotionally committed to leaving pretty soon, most likely end of May. I'm open to continuing to work on a contract basis if I can move and report in remotely or come back to this town for the occasional meeting. But I don't want to live here, and this job is hardly enough to keep me here. In a change from a couple of months ago, Debbie didn't really question the rationality of my decision to move on. I mentioned that I feel much better now that I have a long-term career plan, that going to grad school for student affairs doesn't really require that I tough it out to fabricate resume continuity. She seemed to agree.

Speaking of the present job, we're really still just rearranging deck chairs on the site that I work on. It's blatantly obvious that this site occupies very little of my boss's attention, and I get the sense that he doesn't much care whether it succeeds or fails. On Monday several of us are going to float some ideas that we think would build up traffic -- hiring a professional blogger to write content is the biggest of these ideas. I don't know whether those ideas will be accepted or not, but I see this as sort of a "last gasp" attempt to make meaningful change in this job. You may not be able to imagine how frustrating it is to have a fairly clear idea what needs to be done to make my project a success, yet see time wasted on relative trivia that does nothing to drive traffic to our site. If the meeting next Monday doesn't go well then I'll pretty much take a knee and run out the clock.

To be honest, I'm probably going to move on anyway, even if things do go well. There might I don't like this town much at all, and I want to give the "poker pro" thing a shot for several months before starting grad school. I could play online but I don't like it nearly as much, so I need to live somewhere near casinos that offer poker. As I said, I'll keep this company as a freelancing client if they're interested. One of my colleagues had that arrangement for a time, but I don't know how disposed they would be to let me do the same. And I really don't want to do it full-time, regardless.

Career counseling VI: Holding pattern

I'm only now writing about my career counseling session last week because I was out of town for a long weekend.

I've been trying to do informational interviews with college career counselors, but so far it's been slow going. Granted that this is partially because I haven't felt really motivated in the past two weeks, but it's also been because of some hiccups along the way. One woman from my college's alumni network never replied to my two emails; another had just had a baby and pointed me to a professional association instead of talking directly to me. I gained a little bit of information by calling the graduate admissions department at Peabody (Vanderbilt), so I learned what the best particular options would be there. But in general I still have a lot of work to do.

Therefore my conversation with Debbie was only 15 minutes, enough for me to report to her and promise to make more progress these next few weeks. Actually I asked for 3 weeks before the next session to give me enough time for my research.

Heh, I really just want to go play poker all day for a living and forget this tough stuff. :)

"You are in control, nobody else."

I'm not going to write at length about poker on this blog, but one of my thoughts has been making a go of playing live full-time.

In this post from the ironically titled "law school dropout's poker blog", I think he gets to the heart of doing what you love rather than accepting societal expectations for you:

I used to think that my dream job would be as a writer for The Daily Show, or some other smart comedy. Anyway, it just so happened that the executive in charge of original programming at Comedy Central is a graduate of my alma mater, so I used the alumni network to look her up, and send her a few letters asking if she might spare a few minutes to talk to me over the phone about work in the industry. (This was during my first year of law school, when I was just starting to get disillusioned with the whole enterprise.) I sent her a couple emails, and a letter by post, but got no response for over a month, so I figured they hadn’t reached or, or she was simply too busy to grant me an audience. So I forgot about it for a while. Then a couple weeks later, just out of the blue, she called me, catching me very off-guard, since I had more or less written her off. Because I was a little flustered, I bumbled awkwardly through some generic questions and answers, until we started talking about my ongoing law school education. In filling a bit of a prolonged pause, I lobbed her a softball, asking her what she thought of law school, and whether it could help in her line of work, expecting the standard “well, a law degree is so versatile, it would certainly prove advantageous no matter what field…blah, blah blah” response. But her firm and bleak answer took me by surprise.

“No,” she offered flatly.
“Oh…” I replied, somewhat caught off-guard.
“Well,” she continued “I just don’t really see what use a law degree would be in the field of comedy. I mean, I guess if you were going to work on artists’ contracts, or something, but that’s work for the law firms…doesn’t really have much to do with what we do here at Comedy Central.”

She didn’t speak with any reproach, and didn't intend her comments as a rebuke of any kind, but that’s exactly what it felt like to me. It was like an indictment of everything I was brought up to believe: that if you just study and work hard, everything else will take care of itself. That may indeed be a prescription for a life free of overt hardship, but I think it very far from a recipe for life fulfillment.

‘Of course law didn’t have anything to do with comedy,’ I thought (in many ways, it’s the complete antithesis!). ‘What on Earth could lead anyone to think otherwise?!??’

Her comments stung a little, but also carried with them a very important message; one that I had largely repressed until that time, but whose authenticity was undeniable: You are in control, nobody else. Deceptively simple, but it’s a message that has informed nearly every decision I’ve made in the past few years. Would you rather be playing poker than attending but ignoring a law school lecture? Then LEAVE, you’re not nailed down to the seat. Want to travel? Buy that plane ticket. Want to work on interesting projects? Well, you can interview for a position at a law firm and hope some interesting work finds its way across your desk once every couple of years, or you can decide what you want to work on and go seek it out.

It's really something I need to think about. Maybe I'm letting societal expectations keep me from doing what I love, or what I love for now. Maybe I'm letting the fear that I might not love it in six months or five years keep me from pursuing poker (or creativity, or something else) with all my passion now.