Tilt

One of my coworkers is convinced that I need to be more direct in expressing my views to our boss. I've been trying for, well, for the better part of the last six months to suggest that we need to think more about the content that's lacking on the site I work on, and less about writing code to produce bells and whistles. I've been suggesting this diplomatically, and it hasn't gained any traction. Her premise, if I'm understanding it, is that I should go to my boss's office and say something tactful but direct along the lines of, "No offense, but we need to think about why people aren't using this site."

This just does not compute.

I'm trying hard to be open-minded enough to consider that she could be right. Perhaps the boss just isn't sensitive to subtle hints. But what I've learned through bitter experience is, you're never going to win in the workplace trying to convince someone that they're wrong. You're just not. Especially not your boss. Obviously our boss has a lot invested in this strategy of "hire software developers to put neat applets on the site." Trying to talk him into adapting that strategy, to seeing the value of anything besides hiring software developers, is sort of pointless. (Never mind the aspect of talking myself out of a job; at this point I'd be delighted to get severance and unemployment if they decided they needed something besides a developer.)

People in power don't care for those who question their fundamental assumptions, do they? I suppose I need to learn to present the idea in such a way that the boss thinks it's his idea. I don't know how to do that.

The whole situation is reflective of the tension that this work generates for me. Normal people can just turn this whole drama off, can be happy they're paid to dig a hole and then happy they're paid to fill the hole back in. If only. I'd love to be able to turn my brain off, to literally not care whether there's any point to my work or not, to really be apathetic to whether anyone uses the site I work on or whether people who see it for the first time consider coming back. I wish the big picture didn't always matter to me. But I'm cursed to be MBTI intuitive, so this matters to me greatly.

Struggling to make sense of it all

On one hand, I'm told God wants me to learn to be content despite the circumstances, to just trust him, to rest in him, to accept my time in the desert no matter how long it may be, and never despair, and never question that this time of not being where I want or doing what I wish is meant for my own benefit and refinement.

On the other, it seems God made me like this, ADHD, restless, easily bored, and I can't stop wondering if this restlessness is to keep me from getting complacent with second- or third-best, to make me aspire to excellence rather than mediocrity. And that means trusting the intuition God's given me that, when the time comes to make a change, it's time. I'm not getting any younger, and youth isn't forever.

Does this make any sense?

First CC session / Dreaming of excellence

I had my first phone conversation with Debbie, my career counselor, today over lunch. This one was mostly me talking, going through my resume with great candor. Honestly, it was a very difficult conversation, even though I'm happy this counseling is taking place. Moving the conversation from one personal failure to another is damned hard! I actually thought I might burst into tears a couple of times. She seemed particularly surprised that I had not followed through with the business school application process in '05. Well, it was surprising. I really felt like such a loser at that point that I was convinced I could never find anyone to write recommendations for me.

Next comes a battery of tests that I can take online, then another phone convo next week. I feel pretty comfortable with her even though she didn't do much talking today, so I'm going to pay for the whole package now.

Ironically, talking about all my failures made me feel less dissatisfied with my present job! Actually, it made me realize that I'm pretty lucky to even have a job after
this train wreck.

Driving home tonight I had an odd thought. Various times I've thought I should be doing something creative, and stifled that thought. The world doesn't need another mediocre novelist, another mediocre bassist, another mediocre sculptor, and without passion that's all i could aspire to. Then the odd thought: What if i actually dared to dream that i could be excellent at something creative?

What if?