It's funny how tiny, insignificant events can trigger strong emotional reactions. Today on the way out the door for work, I happened to glimpse on the kitchen table the US road atlas that I study obsessively. This atlas reminded me of my desire to just get in the car and drive to all kinds of places I've never been, and that reminded me that I can't do this because I'm shackled (however temporarily) to a job I don't really like in an overgrown town I hate working for someone who values routine just for routine's sake.
As you might imagine, focusing on work today is kind of tough.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Tell me what would make you happier -- no, tell me what I want to think would make you happier.
Imagine this scenario: [Anecdote removed. Although losing my present job wouldn't be a terrible setback in the long run, I'd prefer not to risk it or make myself subject to blackmail by getting too specific here. The point of the story was, the boss asked for some feedback, then embarrassed a person who gave it in a meeting because she gave not quite the precise feedback he wanted. This struck me as counter-productive and frankly rather detached from the big picture purpose of trying to improve morale, but hey, I'm not a manager so I don't get these things.]
Back in my naive days, I used to think that senior managers got to be senior because they possessed more of a big-picture view than the rest of the staff. Perhaps this was just wishful thinking on my part -- I'm MBTI iNtuitive, remember, which is a poor word choice by Myers and Briggs. They should have said big-freakiN'-picture. So perhaps it's self-serving to think that senior managers are supposed to have a big-picture orientation much like I do. But it has a certain logic to it. You'd think that the big boss would need to develop the broad strategy for the whole organization, and delegate the details to the specialists. Incidentally Strong listed "senior executive" as one of my Top 10 fitting careers, so I don't think I'm totally on the wrong track here.
But come to find out, there are probably plenty of people running companies who so get caught up in the details that they don't care much about the big picture. I can't imagine why running things makes them happy, but apparently it does.
Who knew?
Back in my naive days, I used to think that senior managers got to be senior because they possessed more of a big-picture view than the rest of the staff. Perhaps this was just wishful thinking on my part -- I'm MBTI iNtuitive, remember, which is a poor word choice by Myers and Briggs. They should have said big-freakiN'-picture. So perhaps it's self-serving to think that senior managers are supposed to have a big-picture orientation much like I do. But it has a certain logic to it. You'd think that the big boss would need to develop the broad strategy for the whole organization, and delegate the details to the specialists. Incidentally Strong listed "senior executive" as one of my Top 10 fitting careers, so I don't think I'm totally on the wrong track here.
But come to find out, there are probably plenty of people running companies who so get caught up in the details that they don't care much about the big picture. I can't imagine why running things makes them happy, but apparently it does.
Who knew?
Monday, January 28, 2008
Wanna read something simultaneously heartbreaking and infuriating?
Check out the number of threads on the ADDForums career forum that are essentially the same theme: I have ADHD, somehow I didn't fit in the paradigm expected in my job, so I got fired.
Now, lest you think I'm just endorsing whining, no, I don't know the specifics of every situation, and I don't know those where some accommodation could have been made versus those where the person wasn't fit for the role in the first place. But I do know from first-hand experience that Corporate America is basically organized on the principle that, where the individual is incompatible with her work environment, it's 100% incumbent on the individual to change or leave. The corporation never adapts its hours, performance evaluation, work culture, etc. to the needs of the individual. (The only exception in the US that I'm aware of is where the individual aggressively demands accommodation under the Americans with Disabilities Act, and a lot of ADHD people are reluctant to make these demands for various reasons.) I could be unfairly projecting from my own experience, but what I read there makes me think I'm not. Maybe there are a couple of individual-friendly corporations, and maybe like Google they get to pick from the top 0.01% of available talent, but those are very much the exception.
Anyway, I'm still slogging along in an ill-fitting career, but reading that forum makes me realize how much worse it could be. At least they're not trying to fire me (yet).
Now, lest you think I'm just endorsing whining, no, I don't know the specifics of every situation, and I don't know those where some accommodation could have been made versus those where the person wasn't fit for the role in the first place. But I do know from first-hand experience that Corporate America is basically organized on the principle that, where the individual is incompatible with her work environment, it's 100% incumbent on the individual to change or leave. The corporation never adapts its hours, performance evaluation, work culture, etc. to the needs of the individual. (The only exception in the US that I'm aware of is where the individual aggressively demands accommodation under the Americans with Disabilities Act, and a lot of ADHD people are reluctant to make these demands for various reasons.) I could be unfairly projecting from my own experience, but what I read there makes me think I'm not. Maybe there are a couple of individual-friendly corporations, and maybe like Google they get to pick from the top 0.01% of available talent, but those are very much the exception.
Anyway, I'm still slogging along in an ill-fitting career, but reading that forum makes me realize how much worse it could be. At least they're not trying to fire me (yet).
Thursday, January 24, 2008
CC2: Answering a lot of questions
I haven't blogged here for several days, for a couple of reasons. Mostly it's that I'm less inclined to write when I'm not suffering, and I've been working hard on leaving my career dissatisfaction to God and coping with the suffering (but not denying it!). That seems to be going relatively well.
Likewise, moving forward with the counseling has really helped. I still have issues, and indeed, the counseling is only confirming my impression that I'm not in the right career! But at least I don't feel so desperate to make something positive happen right away. I feel more inclined to trust that I can wait it out, because I know there's a plan in place to improve things. Some of my fellow Christian friends might see that need for a plan as a lack of faith. Perhaps.
And finally, despite the inadequate feedback where I work, I've gotten better at picking up on small bits of positive feedback. That makes me feel better about myself and feel valued here. Even though it really isn't a good long-term fit, it's a lot better for people like me to go to work every morning when we feel valued.
So then... about the career counseling.
I had session #2 yesterday, and to be honest it was more about Debbie reading my results to me than anything. I took the Meyer-Briggs Type Indicator, the Strong Interest Inventory, and the 16PF. I come out as:
I've been reading up on INFPs. I love this INFP profile from Typelogic. However, this one from personalitypage pissed me off with this graf:
In fact, I think this cuts to the heart of why it took them so long to diagnose me with ADHD. I've always done superbly in school, whereas most people like me can't focus on school. I guess it's a great reminder that four letters don't define who I am. It does remind me of my evil plan, with my best friend in college, to blow up the Greek system and replace it with 16 co-ed frats based around the MBTI.
In other news, a friend sent me a link to a careers-related blog, which led me to this fascinating NYT article about law and medicine being less prestigious than they used to be. It's a great point; in general our society values stability less than in the past. Maybe I'm well-positioned to gain in prestige as a vagabond -- as if prestige meant that much to me anyway.
Likewise, moving forward with the counseling has really helped. I still have issues, and indeed, the counseling is only confirming my impression that I'm not in the right career! But at least I don't feel so desperate to make something positive happen right away. I feel more inclined to trust that I can wait it out, because I know there's a plan in place to improve things. Some of my fellow Christian friends might see that need for a plan as a lack of faith. Perhaps.
And finally, despite the inadequate feedback where I work, I've gotten better at picking up on small bits of positive feedback. That makes me feel better about myself and feel valued here. Even though it really isn't a good long-term fit, it's a lot better for people like me to go to work every morning when we feel valued.
So then... about the career counseling.
I had session #2 yesterday, and to be honest it was more about Debbie reading my results to me than anything. I took the Meyer-Briggs Type Indicator, the Strong Interest Inventory, and the 16PF. I come out as:
- An INFP on the MBTI (strongly iNtuitive and weakly Introverted, moderate on the other two).
- SAE on the Strong
- I can't tell you what on the 16PF, but it certainly makes me sound emotionally unstable.
I've been reading up on INFPs. I love this INFP profile from Typelogic. However, this one from personalitypage pissed me off with this graf:
INFPs do not like to deal with hard facts and logic. Their focus on their feelings and the Human Condition makes it difficult for them to deal with impersonal judgment. They don't understand or believe in the validity of impersonal judgment, which makes them naturally rather ineffective at using it. Most INFPs will avoid impersonal analysis, although some have developed this ability and are able to be quite logical. Under stress, it's not uncommon for INFPs to mis-use hard logic in the heat of anger, throwing out fact after (often inaccurate) fact in an emotional outburst.
However, the more I think about it (and about how MBTI defines "thinking" versus "feeling"), the more I realize why I'm so challenging. I'm not a typical F! To the contrary, I'm very good at logical thought. I just grow less enamored of it with each year of life experience, so I value logic only in situations that call for it. I think I come up F because I'm becoming more of a person who values feeling, even thought I'm still very capable of thinking.
In fact, I think this cuts to the heart of why it took them so long to diagnose me with ADHD. I've always done superbly in school, whereas most people like me can't focus on school. I guess it's a great reminder that four letters don't define who I am. It does remind me of my evil plan, with my best friend in college, to blow up the Greek system and replace it with 16 co-ed frats based around the MBTI.
In other news, a friend sent me a link to a careers-related blog, which led me to this fascinating NYT article about law and medicine being less prestigious than they used to be. It's a great point; in general our society values stability less than in the past. Maybe I'm well-positioned to gain in prestige as a vagabond -- as if prestige meant that much to me anyway.
Friday, January 18, 2008
CC2: Game postponed on account of my absent-mindedness
Yesterday was supposed to be the second session of my career counseling. I was really anticipating it: I made sure to charge my cell phone the night before, and I bought a new notebook to write down my notes. I made sure to download my test results onto the laptop so I could have them at hand during the call.
What I forgot to do, however, was bring the laptop with the test results to work. Debbie was gracious and we rescheduled the appointment to next week. But.... ARRRRRRGH! How could I be so stupid?
I know I shouldn't beat myself up, but really, this says it all. I was detail-oriented, all right, but I focused on the wrong details! I triple-checked my phone, and bought the notebook without being asked, but I forgot the docs that she had made clear we needed for the session.
I hate being absent-minded.
What I forgot to do, however, was bring the laptop with the test results to work. Debbie was gracious and we rescheduled the appointment to next week. But.... ARRRRRRGH! How could I be so stupid?
I know I shouldn't beat myself up, but really, this says it all. I was detail-oriented, all right, but I focused on the wrong details! I triple-checked my phone, and bought the notebook without being asked, but I forgot the docs that she had made clear we needed for the session.
I hate being absent-minded.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Deck chairs on the Titanic
I omitted a few details from my earlier posts today, in part because they're specific to my situation -- I'd like to focus more on general ADHD-in-the-workplace issues -- and in part because I was writing from work and didn't want to get into gory details.
We had a company-wide meeting today (less than ten of us) that confirmed some of what I've suspected about, um, let's call it a disconnect in direction. Basically my boss wants me to focus on projects that in my opinion don't add much value, and wants to deemphasize projects that in my opinion have the most upside. He forgot about the work I was most anticipated, and once I reminded him, stated that it's just an afterthought that we need to knock out in a week or two.
Moreover, it's clear that no one's visiting the particular site I work on. I'm not an idiot. I know that when no one views your site, you don't sell advertising. I don't think anyone blames me for this state of affairs. Indeed, I actually have some ideas that I think would go a long way toward "monetizing" the site I work on. But even if no one directly says, "He's working on a doomed site," it's clear that if sites get shut down then demand for developers decreases. I think the boss is happy with my work, but I could be wrong, and in any event I'm the last one hired.
I also think the economy in general is headed down the crapper -- remember the olden days of yore when electing Republicans was thought to be good for the economy, with economy not necessarily defined to mean "portfolios of the CEOs"? -- so I'm very reluctant to make a career change now without a clear goal in mind. Well, that's why I need the career counseling.
We had a company-wide meeting today (less than ten of us) that confirmed some of what I've suspected about, um, let's call it a disconnect in direction. Basically my boss wants me to focus on projects that in my opinion don't add much value, and wants to deemphasize projects that in my opinion have the most upside. He forgot about the work I was most anticipated, and once I reminded him, stated that it's just an afterthought that we need to knock out in a week or two.
Moreover, it's clear that no one's visiting the particular site I work on. I'm not an idiot. I know that when no one views your site, you don't sell advertising. I don't think anyone blames me for this state of affairs. Indeed, I actually have some ideas that I think would go a long way toward "monetizing" the site I work on. But even if no one directly says, "He's working on a doomed site," it's clear that if sites get shut down then demand for developers decreases. I think the boss is happy with my work, but I could be wrong, and in any event I'm the last one hired.
I also think the economy in general is headed down the crapper -- remember the olden days of yore when electing Republicans was thought to be good for the economy, with economy not necessarily defined to mean "portfolios of the CEOs"? -- so I'm very reluctant to make a career change now without a clear goal in mind. Well, that's why I need the career counseling.
Gradually returning to normal
I'm finding myself starting to worry about the same things that worried me before I got sick. Does software development interest me enough to keep doing it? What would I rather be doing all day? How can I keep solvent long enough to learn to do what it is I really should be doing? What exactly do I aspire to?
I wish I could keep the concern for the big picture, but not as worry per se. Worrying is pointless and stupid. Doing something to change the situation, that's where I need to spend my mental energy.
I finally finished all the tests for my next career counseling appointment tomorrow: MBTI, Strong, PF16. I actually like tests like that -- they help clarify my thinking about career issues -- but a few of the questions were vexing. Going from memory, this was the gist of one of the MBTI ones:
Still.... can't a manager be visionary, a "creative," but still treat people in predictable fashion?
I wish I could keep the concern for the big picture, but not as worry per se. Worrying is pointless and stupid. Doing something to change the situation, that's where I need to spend my mental energy.
I finally finished all the tests for my next career counseling appointment tomorrow: MBTI, Strong, PF16. I actually like tests like that -- they help clarify my thinking about career issues -- but a few of the questions were vexing. Going from memory, this was the gist of one of the MBTI ones:
Is it just me or do both of those extremes seem really unpleasant? I forget what I said, but I figured the general point of the question was to infer whether I like working with creative or "predictable" people. And in fact, I general like creative people. But if the cost is having my manager be arbitrary (that wasn't the precise word, but I took it to be a synonym), I take that to mean I might turn in the same work and get totally different feedback from one day to the next. As much as I love creative people, I don't think I could stand that.
Would you rather have a boss who is:
- Consistent but unimaginative?
- Visionary but arbitrary?
Still.... can't a manager be visionary, a "creative," but still treat people in predictable fashion?
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Sick
I've been home sick the past two days, with something that might be just a bad cold or something flu-like, I really don't know. All I know is, I'm sleeping like 14-16 hours a day, and when I'm awake I feel totally incapable of any sort of rational thought beyond, "I really want to sit up now; therefore, I should move the cat off of me." I know from experience that trying to write code when I'm like this is a BAD idea. I'll end up spending longer trying to fix my code written while sick than I lost to sickness in the first place!
Being sick like this does have an interesting connection to the theme of this blog, though. When I'm like this, I'm totally uninterested in the "big picture thought" that usually obsesses me. If I start to ask myself questions about long-term happiness with my career, I just find the whole topic so overwhelming that I panic and go back to sleep. Just as well -- for now, making it to work tomorrow morning seems like enough of a challenge.
Being sick like this does have an interesting connection to the theme of this blog, though. When I'm like this, I'm totally uninterested in the "big picture thought" that usually obsesses me. If I start to ask myself questions about long-term happiness with my career, I just find the whole topic so overwhelming that I panic and go back to sleep. Just as well -- for now, making it to work tomorrow morning seems like enough of a challenge.
Friday, January 11, 2008
But all is not lost....
Actually, last couple of days I had forgotten that I had a rush of things I wanted to learn more about in my spare moments here, possible career stuff. Things like, can you take an undergraduate course in organizational behavior? (Some places, like U of North Texas, you can. Now to find one in a location that appeals to me, and preferably in an extension school.)
It sucks that I don't get enough from Web development to keep me going emotionally, but you gotta make your own stimulation, I guess.
It sucks that I don't get enough from Web development to keep me going emotionally, but you gotta make your own stimulation, I guess.
Understimulation
I'm feeling oh so very understimulated at the moment. Hard but instructive to try to put my finger on why. I mean, I do have work to do. Some of it really needs to get done, and some of it is like, OK, I'm rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, adding features to a site that no one ever sees that don't happen to be features any of the public cares about, but hey, it's what my boss wants.
I tried working on the stuff that really needed to get done earlier today, and that seemed to go OK (if a little distracted). But now I've moved toward allotting time for the stuff that is really unimportant, but my boss will probably ask for sooner than the other stuff. I just try to concentrate and my brain says, "I don't wanna."
I've more or less prayerfully decided to take some kind of "radical action" when the good project wraps up in March or April. That doesn't necessarily mean quitting; it could be a three-month sabbatical or changing my work so I can do it offsite. But I just can't keep at it with the same old routine for another 6 months or five years or whatever normal people do when they're trapped in a boring existence.
I've always thought that having a plan for making things better should be enough to calm me down. But I'm ADHD, so it doesn't work that way. Having a plan to make things better just gets me into this state where I'm frustrated because it's not yet time to carry out that plan, and that just makes the routine into drudgery.
I tried working on the stuff that really needed to get done earlier today, and that seemed to go OK (if a little distracted). But now I've moved toward allotting time for the stuff that is really unimportant, but my boss will probably ask for sooner than the other stuff. I just try to concentrate and my brain says, "I don't wanna."
I've more or less prayerfully decided to take some kind of "radical action" when the good project wraps up in March or April. That doesn't necessarily mean quitting; it could be a three-month sabbatical or changing my work so I can do it offsite. But I just can't keep at it with the same old routine for another 6 months or five years or whatever normal people do when they're trapped in a boring existence.
I've always thought that having a plan for making things better should be enough to calm me down. But I'm ADHD, so it doesn't work that way. Having a plan to make things better just gets me into this state where I'm frustrated because it's not yet time to carry out that plan, and that just makes the routine into drudgery.
More liberal comment policy
Just realized that I was set up to require a Google ID to comment. I absolutely HATE going to someone's blog, trying to comment, but seeing that I'm going to have to register to do so!
Mind you, I don't think that's the reason there are no comments. I think the reason there are no comments is because no one knows I'm here. But now it's easier for you to prove me wrong, Dear Reader.
Mind you, I don't think that's the reason there are no comments. I think the reason there are no comments is because no one knows I'm here. But now it's easier for you to prove me wrong, Dear Reader.
Struggling to make sense of it all
On one hand, I'm told God wants me to learn to be content despite the circumstances, to just trust him, to rest in him, to accept my time in the desert no matter how long it may be, and never despair, and never question that this time of not being where I want or doing what I wish is meant for my own benefit and refinement.
On the other, it seems God made me like this, ADHD, restless, easily bored, and I can't stop wondering if this restlessness is to keep me from getting complacent with second- or third-best, to make me aspire to excellence rather than mediocrity. And that means trusting the intuition God's given me that, when the time comes to make a change, it's time. I'm not getting any younger, and youth isn't forever.
Does this make any sense?
On the other, it seems God made me like this, ADHD, restless, easily bored, and I can't stop wondering if this restlessness is to keep me from getting complacent with second- or third-best, to make me aspire to excellence rather than mediocrity. And that means trusting the intuition God's given me that, when the time comes to make a change, it's time. I'm not getting any younger, and youth isn't forever.
Does this make any sense?
Thursday, January 10, 2008
A couple of careers to pursue
As I've embarked on career counseling the last couple of weeks, I've compiled a list of every even remotely viable career that catches my fancy -- not because Debbie asked me to, but just because I think it would be fun. Here they are. I'm sure there are more that I'll add as I think of them:
- Faith-based outreach worker / "missionary"
- High school guidance counselor
- Teacher (HS, MS, ES)
- ADHD coach
- Career counselor
- Professor of sociology
- Professor of youth ministry
- Professor of organizational behavior
- Poker pro
- Tech manager (dev. or QA)
- [Web] marketing manager
- [Web] marketing consultant
- Management consultant
- Professor of political science
- Professor of economics
- Non-profit manager
- Lawyer / legal advocate (for ADHD, for privacy e.g. EFF, etc.)
- Author
- [Documentary] filmmaker
- Political writer/blogger
Productive Thursday
I came in this morning determined not to repeat my unfocused yesterday. And mercifully, I can still do this for short periods of time. The first 1:15 of my day, I've been pretty focused, largely cleaning up some messes that have been screwing up our database.
I'm trying to quit a lot of the Web surfing (or, let's be honest, looking to fill my intellectual stimulation deficit) but I am letting myself blog a bit, obviously, and did let myself read these two posts from the law school dropout poker guy: Deep Thoughts Part I and Part II. It's not really about poker, more about how you assess what social value different careers produce. Good stuff.
I'm trying to quit a lot of the Web surfing (or, let's be honest, looking to fill my intellectual stimulation deficit) but I am letting myself blog a bit, obviously, and did let myself read these two posts from the law school dropout poker guy: Deep Thoughts Part I and Part II. It's not really about poker, more about how you assess what social value different careers produce. Good stuff.
But You want a truly worthwhile job? The guy from Triple-A I had to call to start my car in a bad neighborhood in -10 degree temperature when I had absentmindedly left my inside carlight on. The sewer inspectors who wade through other people's feces from 10pm til 6am so that you can flush your toilet in the morning. The city's electrical engineers who are literally on call 24/7, frequently dragged out of bed at 3am to fix the power lines the evening storm had knocked out. But I'm sure as hell not going to face the shitstorm that would result if I took my 2 ivy-league degrees and accepted one of those jobs.It's really too bad this guy doesn't still blog, but perhaps he resolved all the issues he felt he needed to.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Self-discipline
In abstract terms, I know that my life would supposedly be better if I'd stop surfing around the Internet looking for stuff to make me think during work hours. And indeed, I try to give myself rewards when I do settle down and focus, e.g. counting up the times I shut down unrelated Web sites and giving myself 20 cents per occurrence toward some book or something that I'd like to buy.
But the sad fact is, I don't get enough stimulation from software to keep me going. I get some stimulation, and that tends to create a mirage. If only I could work on cool projects, if only I could use the right technology, if only I could use agile methods, then I would be happy working in this job function. And over time, I've come to really question that. I think development is something that can be really cool in the short term, especially when it's done well, with unit tests and pair programming and such. Some ADHD people are good programmers, but their brain might not work exactly like mine. Maybe coding just isn't enough to keep me going.
What is?
But the sad fact is, I don't get enough stimulation from software to keep me going. I get some stimulation, and that tends to create a mirage. If only I could work on cool projects, if only I could use the right technology, if only I could use agile methods, then I would be happy working in this job function. And over time, I've come to really question that. I think development is something that can be really cool in the short term, especially when it's done well, with unit tests and pair programming and such. Some ADHD people are good programmers, but their brain might not work exactly like mine. Maybe coding just isn't enough to keep me going.
What is?
Wednesday
Decent day today.... not too depressed.... also having the usual concentration problems. Really drives home how software is interesting enough to catch my attention at times, but not always stimulating to keep me going all day.
I'm finding some useful inspiration on that Christine Kane blog, even though it makes me slightly cynical. On one hand, it's easy for those who've gotten a break or two to just assume that life is like that for everyone, that everyone got that same break. On the other hand, there's a lot of truth to the notion that you have to put yourself in position to get that break.
I've tried to put myself in that position a few times (e.g., ministry internship.... working at that Christian college....) to get "that big break." It's turned out disastrously. But maybe I need to keep at it.
I'm finding some useful inspiration on that Christine Kane blog, even though it makes me slightly cynical. On one hand, it's easy for those who've gotten a break or two to just assume that life is like that for everyone, that everyone got that same break. On the other hand, there's a lot of truth to the notion that you have to put yourself in position to get that break.
I've tried to put myself in that position a few times (e.g., ministry internship.... working at that Christian college....) to get "that big break." It's turned out disastrously. But maybe I need to keep at it.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
"You are in control, nobody else."
I'm not going to write at length about poker on this blog, but one of my thoughts has been making a go of playing live full-time.
In this post from the ironically titled "law school dropout's poker blog", I think he gets to the heart of doing what you love rather than accepting societal expectations for you:
In this post from the ironically titled "law school dropout's poker blog", I think he gets to the heart of doing what you love rather than accepting societal expectations for you:
I used to think that my dream job would be as a writer for The Daily Show, or some other smart comedy. Anyway, it just so happened that the executive in charge of original programming at Comedy Central is a graduate of my alma mater, so I used the alumni network to look her up, and send her a few letters asking if she might spare a few minutes to talk to me over the phone about work in the industry. (This was during my first year of law school, when I was just starting to get disillusioned with the whole enterprise.) I sent her a couple emails, and a letter by post, but got no response for over a month, so I figured they hadn’t reached or, or she was simply too busy to grant me an audience. So I forgot about it for a while. Then a couple weeks later, just out of the blue, she called me, catching me very off-guard, since I had more or less written her off. Because I was a little flustered, I bumbled awkwardly through some generic questions and answers, until we started talking about my ongoing law school education. In filling a bit of a prolonged pause, I lobbed her a softball, asking her what she thought of law school, and whether it could help in her line of work, expecting the standard “well, a law degree is so versatile, it would certainly prove advantageous no matter what field…blah, blah blah” response. But her firm and bleak answer took me by surprise.It's really something I need to think about. Maybe I'm letting societal expectations keep me from doing what I love, or what I love for now. Maybe I'm letting the fear that I might not love it in six months or five years keep me from pursuing poker (or creativity, or something else) with all my passion now.
“No,” she offered flatly.
“Oh…” I replied, somewhat caught off-guard.
“Well,” she continued “I just don’t really see what use a law degree would be in the field of comedy. I mean, I guess if you were going to work on artists’ contracts, or something, but that’s work for the law firms…doesn’t really have much to do with what we do here at Comedy Central.”
She didn’t speak with any reproach, and didn't intend her comments as a rebuke of any kind, but that’s exactly what it felt like to me. It was like an indictment of everything I was brought up to believe: that if you just study and work hard, everything else will take care of itself. That may indeed be a prescription for a life free of overt hardship, but I think it very far from a recipe for life fulfillment.
‘Of course law didn’t have anything to do with comedy,’ I thought (in many ways, it’s the complete antithesis!). ‘What on Earth could lead anyone to think otherwise?!??’
Her comments stung a little, but also carried with them a very important message; one that I had largely repressed until that time, but whose authenticity was undeniable: You are in control, nobody else. Deceptively simple, but it’s a message that has informed nearly every decision I’ve made in the past few years. Would you rather be playing poker than attending but ignoring a law school lecture? Then LEAVE, you’re not nailed down to the seat. Want to travel? Buy that plane ticket. Want to work on interesting projects? Well, you can interview for a position at a law firm and hope some interesting work finds its way across your desk once every couple of years, or you can decide what you want to work on and go seek it out.
How the hell do you get a gig like this?
Christine Kane's tour schedule. Looks like she just goes around the country giving "Corporate Creativity Training". I mean, I sound cynical, but it's really a serious question, because I think I would love a career like that. So how do you do it? Get a PhD in creativity? Acquire years of experience becoming creative? I'm really serious. Anyone know?
I surfed over there because of an old link in my reader from the now defunct twentypercenter blog. I miss Max. He wrote some good stuff. I wonder why he took it down.
He linked to this post: How to live a life of quiet desperation. This one looks interesting, though I haven't read it yet: Wrecking your potential. And I might accept her challenge to list 100 things that delight me.
I surfed over there because of an old link in my reader from the now defunct twentypercenter blog. I miss Max. He wrote some good stuff. I wonder why he took it down.
He linked to this post: How to live a life of quiet desperation. This one looks interesting, though I haven't read it yet: Wrecking your potential. And I might accept her challenge to list 100 things that delight me.
General grumpiness
How ass-backwards is it to make the development staff into receptionists and customer support agents for your store because you don't have anyone else to answer the phones?
I'm trying to be less critical of stuff at work, and when I started I accepted the occasional interruption as just part of working for a small company. But it's getting a little out of hand. I'm already easily-distracted as it is; when I process three or four store returns in a day, I start to feel more like a CSR whose just writing a little code in his spare time. And of course, that's not the way to get your website developed.
Then again -- no one actually reads the site that I'm working on anyway, so it seems like all my effort spent to add features is sort of fruitless. "Hey, everyone! We have live notification of games that you haven't signed up for! We have automated women's basketball rosters even though no one reads those pages!" It's like we're majoring in the minors. If you want to redeploy tech staff, redeploy us to marketing. We need marketing. Bad.
OK, now that that's off my chest....
Last night I had a total meltdown. Going over my litany of failures with the counselor earlier in the day was a bit taxing on me, and it really got to me late last night. I ended up losing about 1 to 1.5 hours of sleep because of it.
Also, my resentment over living in my hometown, at least 100 miles from any sort of anything that I enjoy, got to me, beacuse I'd planned to go to a concert tonight but can't because I'm too busy with shrink, counselor, career counselor, and CTS doc. I really fucking hate this place.
("But God has you there! Be happy!" It's hard for me not to believe that God has me here because he enjoys making me miserable for reasons that are beyond my theological comprehension. I realize that trials and tribulations are supposed to strengthen us. In my case, they just beat me down and take away my will to live.)
I'm trying to be less critical of stuff at work, and when I started I accepted the occasional interruption as just part of working for a small company. But it's getting a little out of hand. I'm already easily-distracted as it is; when I process three or four store returns in a day, I start to feel more like a CSR whose just writing a little code in his spare time. And of course, that's not the way to get your website developed.
Then again -- no one actually reads the site that I'm working on anyway, so it seems like all my effort spent to add features is sort of fruitless. "Hey, everyone! We have live notification of games that you haven't signed up for! We have automated women's basketball rosters even though no one reads those pages!" It's like we're majoring in the minors. If you want to redeploy tech staff, redeploy us to marketing. We need marketing. Bad.
OK, now that that's off my chest....
Last night I had a total meltdown. Going over my litany of failures with the counselor earlier in the day was a bit taxing on me, and it really got to me late last night. I ended up losing about 1 to 1.5 hours of sleep because of it.
Also, my resentment over living in my hometown, at least 100 miles from any sort of anything that I enjoy, got to me, beacuse I'd planned to go to a concert tonight but can't because I'm too busy with shrink, counselor, career counselor, and CTS doc. I really fucking hate this place.
("But God has you there! Be happy!" It's hard for me not to believe that God has me here because he enjoys making me miserable for reasons that are beyond my theological comprehension. I realize that trials and tribulations are supposed to strengthen us. In my case, they just beat me down and take away my will to live.)
Monday, January 7, 2008
First CC session / Dreaming of excellence
I had my first phone conversation with Debbie, my career counselor, today over lunch. This one was mostly me talking, going through my resume with great candor. Honestly, it was a very difficult conversation, even though I'm happy this counseling is taking place. Moving the conversation from one personal failure to another is damned hard! I actually thought I might burst into tears a couple of times. She seemed particularly surprised that I had not followed through with the business school application process in '05. Well, it was surprising. I really felt like such a loser at that point that I was convinced I could never find anyone to write recommendations for me.
Next comes a battery of tests that I can take online, then another phone convo next week. I feel pretty comfortable with her even though she didn't do much talking today, so I'm going to pay for the whole package now.
Ironically, talking about all my failures made me feel less dissatisfied with my present job! Actually, it made me realize that I'm pretty lucky to even have a job after
this train wreck.
Driving home tonight I had an odd thought. Various times I've thought I should be doing something creative, and stifled that thought. The world doesn't need another mediocre novelist, another mediocre bassist, another mediocre sculptor, and without passion that's all i could aspire to. Then the odd thought: What if i actually dared to dream that i could be excellent at something creative?
What if?
Next comes a battery of tests that I can take online, then another phone convo next week. I feel pretty comfortable with her even though she didn't do much talking today, so I'm going to pay for the whole package now.
Ironically, talking about all my failures made me feel less dissatisfied with my present job! Actually, it made me realize that I'm pretty lucky to even have a job after
this train wreck.
Driving home tonight I had an odd thought. Various times I've thought I should be doing something creative, and stifled that thought. The world doesn't need another mediocre novelist, another mediocre bassist, another mediocre sculptor, and without passion that's all i could aspire to. Then the odd thought: What if i actually dared to dream that i could be excellent at something creative?
What if?
Coupla links to explore
While just googling , I found a couple of things of interest. Actually several, but i don't have time to explore it all right now.
- blogcatalog adhd tag -- I suppose this is no different than Technorati or any other metablog site, but I should keep an eye on those.
- What really caught my attention there, though, is: Is there such a thing as an ADD-friendly career? I'll have to check out her "Best of" post for 2007 too.
Career counseling starts today
Today is my first phone session of career counseling. The counselor, who lists both an MBA and MSW on her resume, tells me that she has experience working with ADHD people. If the session today works out, I will end up having a total of six sessions plus related testing, etc., for about $1000. That's a bargain if it ends up putting me on some reasonable path where I feel like I'm using my talents for some beneficial end.
Friday, January 4, 2008
This blog is just another link repository
I like the way this person thinks about work, boredom, ADHD, and how the American Dream often fails to live up to its promise.
On my better days i figure so many of us feel this way that someday, the dam will break and we'll just have to start creating institutions that let us do better.
On my better days i figure so many of us feel this way that someday, the dam will break and we'll just have to start creating institutions that let us do better.
Sooooo....
Now that I'm no longer emotionally "hung up" about the carpal tunnel issue -- although it hasn't exactly gone away yet, not physically -- I can turn my attention back to the real root problem. I don't find sitting and coding for 8 hours a day to be stimulating enough to hold my interest.
I'll have much more to say about this, but I'll just introduce this insight I've had recently. My brain is such that I simply must feed it with stimulation, to a far greater degree than is normal. I mean, "normal" people need a little variety in life, at least most of them do, right? But plainly normal people can usually stay in the same job for six months without hating it. I can't.
It's not just job-related, but that's where contemporary life makes coping the hardest. I can (and do, to some extent) change my hobbies every three months if I need to. I can't change my work, unless I contract, consult, or do something else more varied than normal; or conversely, unless I've thrown in the towel and decided to be a temp, barista, or hamburger-maker. (I.e., professional jobs have the expectation that one be a "stable" person.) Because I can't change my work, I can't change my geographical setting. And when I can't change either of those, I get really antsy.
I'll have much more to say about this, but I'll just introduce this insight I've had recently. My brain is such that I simply must feed it with stimulation, to a far greater degree than is normal. I mean, "normal" people need a little variety in life, at least most of them do, right? But plainly normal people can usually stay in the same job for six months without hating it. I can't.
It's not just job-related, but that's where contemporary life makes coping the hardest. I can (and do, to some extent) change my hobbies every three months if I need to. I can't change my work, unless I contract, consult, or do something else more varied than normal; or conversely, unless I've thrown in the towel and decided to be a temp, barista, or hamburger-maker. (I.e., professional jobs have the expectation that one be a "stable" person.) Because I can't change my work, I can't change my geographical setting. And when I can't change either of those, I get really antsy.
Good news!
Boss noticed my carpal tunnel splints; gave me some suggestions on adjusting my desk.
The problem isn't that he doesn't care. The problem is that I don't know how to communicate my needs to him before they get to be a crisis.
The problem isn't that he doesn't care. The problem is that I don't know how to communicate my needs to him before they get to be a crisis.
Welcome
I already blog a lot. I have a couple of blogs more-or-less associated with my real-life identity. I'm going to talk about things here that, for obvious reasons, I don't want associated with my name in real life.
It's not so much that this stuff is private. My closest friends know that I have these struggles. And I very much want to make my thoughts about this stuff publicly accessible, so that others with similar struggles can perhaps take some small solace in our shared experience.
But obviously, I don't want to be in a job interview three years hence with someone who sees what I've written.
Rather than delve into my issues right now -- there will be plenty of time for that soon enough -- I'd rather link to a resource that has been helpful to me in seeing how many people share my experience: ADHD Forums Career/Job Impact.
It's not so much that this stuff is private. My closest friends know that I have these struggles. And I very much want to make my thoughts about this stuff publicly accessible, so that others with similar struggles can perhaps take some small solace in our shared experience.
But obviously, I don't want to be in a job interview three years hence with someone who sees what I've written.
Rather than delve into my issues right now -- there will be plenty of time for that soon enough -- I'd rather link to a resource that has been helpful to me in seeing how many people share my experience: ADHD Forums Career/Job Impact.
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